Abandonment issues usually stem from some kind of loss, abuse, or unmet needs. In the long term, they can lead to relationship problems. Therapy may help you overcome your fear of abandonment and build healthy relationships.
Fear of abandonment is a type of anxiety that some people experience when faced with the idea of losing someone they care about. People with abandonment issues live in fear of these losses. They may also exhibit behaviors that push people to leave so they are never surprised by the loss.
What are the symptoms?
People with abandonment fears exhibit many of the same behaviors, though some may be more prominent than others. These symptoms include:
* Cycling through relationships. Some may engage in numerous shallow relationships. They may fear intimacy and find a reason to leave a relationship before the other person can.
* Sabotaging relationships. Some may act irrationally to get out of relationships. For example, you may knowingly push away a partner so you won’t feel hurt if they leave.
* Clinging to unhealthy relationships. Some people with abandonment issues may stay in relationships despite a desire to leave as the fear of being alone is more powerful.
* Needing constant reassurance. Some may constantly seek out a friend or partner and demand emotional guarantees. They may regularly urge friends or partners to make broad statements, such as “I’ll always be here,” and then say they are lying.
Symptoms of abandonment issues in children
Kids with healthy emotional attachments to their parents often become upset when they are left, even if only for a short time.
Some level of this reaction is natural. However, it may be a sign of an underlying mental health condition when it leads to:
* Separation anxiety. If a child becomes anxious about their parents going somewhere in advance, the child may be expressing abandonment fears.
* Panic. If a child begins to panic when they don’t see their parents, their overreaction may be a sign of an issue.
* A fear of being alone. Some children won’t sleep without their parents or even let them step out of the room.
Risk factors
Some abandonment issues and fears become invasive. They can prevent someone from leading a normal, healthy life.
A history of any of the following may increase the risk of a type of abandonment fear:
* Neglect. People who have been neglected, abused, or abandoned, especially during childhood, are more likely to develop this issue. Likewise, adults who were neglected as a child are more likely to repeat the behaviors with their own children.
* Stress. High levels of stress may make naturally occurring anxiety worse. This can worsen fears and lead to new anxieties.
* Traumatic events. Those who have experienced an injury or death or been a victim of a crime may be more likely to develop these issues.
Primary treatments for abandonment issues include:
* Therapy. Seek out the help of a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor. They can help you overcome fears of being abandoned. They’ll also work with you to understand where the fear originates and what you can do when you sense the fear rising.
* Self-care. People with abandonment issues may benefit from self-care. Making sure emotional needs are met is important for friendships and relationships. This way, you’re able to better provide for your partner, friend, or child.
Helping someone with fear of abandonment
Helping a loved one living with abandonment issues can be difficult. After all, if you bring up your concerns, their instinct may be to challenge you and your loyalty to them.
While people with abandonment fears differ, these techniques may help you care for someone who has a fear of abandonment:
Support and validate their fears
Validation is an important part of trust in a relationship. When supporting a loved one with a fear of abandonment, validation means that you acknowledge their feelings without judgment. Such understanding of their fears is a key to maintaining communication.
Validating a loved one’s fears does not necessarily mean you agree with them. Instead, you’re supporting their feelings to further build on trust and compassion.
Consider this six-level approach Psychology Today identified to help you get started:
Be present. Actively listen to your loved one’s concerns without multitasking.
Reflect. Summarize your loved one’s feelings verbally in an authentic way so you can reach an understanding without judgment.
Mind-reading. Sometimes it can be difficult for loved ones to describe their emotional states as fear. By listening to them, you can help them identify their emotions for deeper understanding. This level takes a lot of practice, being present and reflecting.
Understand their history. This is an even deeper form of acknowledgment. You know your loved one’s fears and openly state that you understand how a certain situation might be triggering due to their past history of abandonment.
“Normalize” their fears. Such normalization is done by acknowledging the fact that others with your loved one’s history could have fears of abandonment, so what they’re feeling is completely understandable.
Radical genuineness. As the deepest level of validation, radical genuineness involves sharing your loved one’s fears as your own.
Treatment for this type of anxiety can be very successful. It requires commitment and self-care to feel more confident in relationships — but it can be done.
For many people with these issues, worries may linger. A therapist can teach you how to cope with these thoughts when they pop up.
They may also encourage you to return to therapy if the thoughts and anxieties become problematic again.
