A variety of things can cause this complex emotion. Resentment happens when you feel like you’ve been taken advantage of, have been mistreated, or aren’t being heard. It’s often defined as a feeling of indignation. Unfortunately, resentment can unleash other destructive thoughts and emotions. Resentment can ultimately poison relationships.
It’s normal to feel resentment, which involves feelings of anger or bitterness, over a slight injustice or a major incident. Continuing to hold onto these feelings, however, can have negative consequences for your physical and mental health.
Common sources of resentment
*Jealousy
*Betrayal
*Embarrassment
*Shame
*Trauma
*Sharing your needs and not having them met (feeling entitled/believing they should be met)
*Not sharing your needs and not having them met (feeling entitled/believing they should be met)
*Not identifying and setting your boundaries and having them violated
*Communicating boundaries and having them violated
*Hoping someone will read your mind and then becoming resentful and upset that they do not
In romantic relationships, especially long-term ones, one partner might resent the other because of an imbalance in power or work load. For example, it’s not uncommon for a wife or woman in a heterosexual relationship to feel like she has to work a job, take care of most of the housework, and oversee childcare and household labor while her partner focuses only on work.
Resentment in an intimate romantic relationship might flourish when one person always initiates sex and the other never does. Or in a case common to seniors, when one person faces medical challenges and their significant other steps up to be their caregiver. The caregiver might grow resentful as their own needs go unmet and that can create tension in the relationship.
Feelings that contribute to or may indicate resentment include:
Sadness
Disappointment
Frustration
Hostility, hard feelings and anger
Bitterness
Fear
Blame or self-blame
Feeling guilty, less-than, not enough
Regret
Injustice or imbalance in the relationship
Benefits of Resentment
Protect yourself, feel safe from vulnerability and being hurt again
Promote your own feelings of self-worth
Develop a sense of control and power
Avoid addressing deeper issues in yourself, the other person or the relationship
Avoid difficult communication and conflict
Avoid responsibility and next steps
Strategies to Help You Manage Resentment
Finding ways to manage resentment can help you overcome these non-productive feelings. To ultimately resolve these negative feelings, you need to take the first step and admit that there’s a problem. Once you admit it, here are ways to handle resentment by changing your mindset, perception and emotional response:
*Develop self-compassion. Being resentful as a coping mechanism may have worked in the short-term, but be kind to yourself. You are a human who made mistakes.
*View the situation with empathy. When you take the viewpoint of the other person and see the situation from their perspective, you might have a different take on what happened.
*Be grateful. Gratitude actually makes you happier! If you’re envious because your work colleague won a special award, keep in mind that—according to one scientific study2—benign, motivating and positive envy will appear in those who cultivate gratitude rather than the malicious, slandering type of envy.
*Forgive yourself and others. Although it might be hard to let go of resentment, making peace with what happened increases your sense of well-being as well as your sense of purpose in life.
*Reflect and identify the source of the resentment. If it is something that you can address through clear and courageous communication, practice doing so by communicating needs, boundaries, and requests. If the resentment is stemming from a situation that is out of your control, acknowledge the feelings arising from that such as grief or rage and then practice acceptance and focusing on what you can control once the feelings have been processed.
